5 Steps, 4 Strategies, and 8 Tips to Ruin the Internet

Aha, gotcha!

Sorry, but this rant will not include 5 simple steps, 4 proven strategies, nor 8 amazing techniques to lose weight, become successful, make $10,487 in 2 weeks, boost your search ranking, get rich quick, and grow your penis.

5 steps to ruin internetIf you’re like me, you’ve noticed a recent trend in google search results, news media websites, feeds, articles, and blog posts, and you’re a little sick of being bombarded with articles gaurenteeing to provide all the answers in 5 simple steps, 4 sure fire strategies, and 8 amazing techniques. As I scan through my various feeds and search results, the ubiquity of this new genre of spam sickens me. Of course amoungst this trash there are still often useful and interesting nuggets that show up. But I’m sure you’ve noticed the degrading trend also, and 9 times outta 10 it’s clickbait horse shit! The only good thing I can say about the 5 step spam is it makes it somewhat quicker to scan through the bullshit in order to locate any potentially useful info within. Here’s how: ah fuck it, I’m just gonna do the list thing, but only ’cause it actually makes sense here.

5 easy steps to cut through bullshit list spam

  1. Temporarily suspend your judgement and go ahead and push on that clickbaity link with the 5 steps.
  2. Quickly scan the opening sentence and unless something really jumps out at you, don’t read the rest of the pointless intro. It’s only there for SEO and/or to make wordcount.
  3. Skip down to the first item in the list and read the title. Most likely it’s bullshit, so just carry on scrolling down.
  4. Continue to consecutively scan the numbered titles for any signs of useful information. Likely there is none, so feel free to drastically increase your scanning speed as you pass the halfway point in the list. The second half is usually just filler in order to reach the prior stated number of steps in the title anyways.
  5. Quickly hit the back button, and try to not hate on yourself too much for falling for that spammy shit-link yet again.

5 steps to ruin the internetBut why has this particular genre of list spam become so popular recently? Well apparently the analytical data, click-through rates, etc. seam to suggest this is what people want to see, right? Ok, perhaps this really is the case. That’s probably why Goo-Bots and Co. are cramming this shit down our throats. Let’s just assume for a minute this really is what people are searching for online. It still doesn’t justify boosting this content to front page. Why? Because, generally speaking, people are idoits. If we only serve people what they want to eat, front page will be nothing but porn, cat videos, half-naked babes selling products, and poop jokes. Have you perused front-page reddit without your nsfw filter lately? Yes, doubtless reddit’s content is a cut above the rest; however, even reddit is not immune to stupid people.

And don’t even get me started on the hopeless youtube and facebook feeds… sigh. Why is it that you don’t rely on your facebook feed, your twitter recommended posters, or front-page reddit for all your daily information needs? Because people are idiots (again, this is a generality). The algorithms, or more appropriately the AIs, that populate your social media feeds are largely based on popularity and virality factors. Basically they try and show you what they think you want to see. And the result: GIGO. But it’s not only the entertainment mediums that are affected. More and more frequently we’re seeing the 5 simple, 4 proven, 8 incredible clickbaiters skyrocketing to the front pages of google results. And that’s really a problem, because usually the intent when using a search engine is to locate meaningful and useful information and content.

Solution? Vote with your feet. Unsubscribe from those spammy sites and find new, more useful sources. Stop googling, and start quacking. Duckduckgo search results are getting better – although they are not yet as relevant as those of our google overlord’s. But Duckduckgo offers many very useful and nifty features not offered by the other major search engines. For example, search any external site right from the duckduckgo search box with their so called bangs (e.g. Google Play – type “gp!”, YouTube – type “yt!”). Oh also THEY DON’T FUCKING TRACK THE SHIT OUTTA YA!!!, nor do they bombard you with sleazy targeted advertising (in the case that you haven’t discovered adblock yet). Another small thing I totally love is each site’s icon is shown below its duckduckgo search result.

Anywho, that’s my rant. Oh and one more thing… please, for the love of christ, STOP BADGERING PEOPLE TO SUBSCRIBE TO EVERY ONE OF YOUR SHITTY FUCKING VIDEOS!!! If they like what they see, they are smart enough (I hope) to know what to do and where to do it at. If they don’t like what they see, you’re only pissing them off more than you already have…

Posted in nsfw, Rantings
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